Chronic Communication Tip #2: Share the workload!

By Dr GaryCA Latest Activity March 13, 2012 at 4:47 pm Views 1,372 Replies 3

Dr Gary

Family members do all kinds of sharing – the good times, the hard times, the bathroom… and the household chores.

Doing the chores is more than just keeping the house together. It’s a way for everybody in the family to feel like they are contributing to the household, taking responsibility, making the home a comfortable place for everybody. When parents work around the house they demonstrate to their children how important they are, that their parents are concerned about their well-being. And parents can also use household chores to help their children to begin learning how to be responsible for themselves.

When a parent has a chronic condition, household routines, including the chores, can get disrupted. Mom or Dad may have trouble holding up their end some days, or have to modify their activity levels. If both parents are in the house, maybe the other one takes over and do more of the work. Or not. Either way, kids see that something is different. And while adults don’t like change, children like it even less. Even small changes in routine can leave them feeling scared.

Families adjust to changes in the household routine in different ways. A parent who has to change his/her activity level may be feeling like they are letting down the other family members by not being able to do as much for them. Or push him/herself even harder, hoping that by keeping things as “normal” as possible, the kids won’t notice that they aren’t feeling as well or as strong as they used to. Someone else in the household may take on more responsibility, maybe even more that they need to, leaving the individual with the chronic condition feeling like they don’t have a role in the day-to-day life of the family, while the family member doing more work feels exhausted.

Whether they say so or not, children notice change. Maybe the house is a little more cluttered, meals aren’t ready on time or the menu isn’t what it used to be. Maybe the parent isn’t as emotionally available, or tired, preoccupied, worried. Parents are talking behind closed doors. Children know. They sense that something isn’t “normal.” The see the evidence around the house, or at mealtime. One of those elephants in the room.

So what can you do? You can start by talking.

As a family, have a conversation about how mom or dad is feeling and what this means for getting the chores done. Let them know what this might mean for them. For example, that some days, Mom or Dad may not feel like getting the dishes done, or that you might be having frozen food for dinner, or fast food sometimes. Or that the laundry might not get done every Wednesday. Or that one parent might be doing more of the work than usual. Make this conversation age-appropriate. Younger children may need more examples of how things are going to change, and reassurance that, while life will be different, they will still get what they need. And they will need lots of reassurance and hand-holding along the way. Teens may want more of the whys about the condition, how it affects your ability to keep up in the way that you used to, more reasons why things have changed. But they also need reassurance.

Keep in mind that when one family member has been diagnosed with a chronic condition, everyone shares that diagnosis. Yes, we are back to that share word. Share the love. Share the information. Give everyone a chance to share their feelings.

And share the workload.

Children may appreciate an opportunity to help out around the house, to feel like they are doing something to help their parent when he/she doesn’t feel well. Part of the family meeting might include talking about how everybody can pitch in and help out. This is a great way for family members to deal with their own feeling of helplessness by letting them be helpful. Let them share in the new normal at home, and feel like they are making some of the choices as well as doing more of the work.

Let them know what you can do. And what you need help with. Making their own bed, picking up after themselves, helping with the dishes.

Do you have a child with a chronic condition? The same guidelines apply. Children don’t like to feel like they are outsiders, and this includes taking responsibility for chores around the house. Make sure your chronically-ill child also has responsibilities – consistent with any physical limitations – that will help him or her to feel like an equal contributor.

I am not promising miracles here. I know that not all spouses, or children for that matter, are all that helpful. They may be in denial of the issue, hoping it go away, or maybe just not that helpful in the best of times. But is worth a try – or a few tries – to get the conversation going? You might be surprised at how willing they are to step up to the plate.

Just because something isn’t being discussed doesn’t mean it isn’t being noticed. And talked about (with someone). The chores need doing. Is it time to sit down and have a talk about who’s doing what?

What’s worked at your house? Any conversations starters to share?

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Replies (3 replies)

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  • Hannaleah
    Hannaleah July 7, 2013 at 12:59 pm   

    Right on point. Thank you for the great articulation of what probably all of us with MS are and have gone through. It's a solitary disease and only we (let's refer our ms community as The League of Extraordinary People. I really do not care for anything negative. Thanks again!

  • aclover2010
    aclover2010 March 18, 2012 at 3:21 pm   

    First, I feel blessed that my "kids" are over 18 now and they are not at home anymore..God worked that out pretty well!! Secondly, my husband has become awesome at steam cleaning vacuuming and doing dishes…now making meals thats another story..but he tries and thats all that matters..so we eat prepackaged meals a few times a week..no biggy..i guess i spoiled him before as I cooked proffessionally for five years in an Italian bistro…I know that my disease has actually brought my family closer…at first it was really hard but now I notice that my relationships with my family members have improved beyond what i would have ever imagined..I know that all things happen for a reason and I can only think that this is one of them…:) I know that I have had to give some tough love to my family members..but it has only made them and me stronger…So, i dont know what you were lookin for Gary but that is what I got on this topic! lol…I feel truly thankful for my disease and what wonderful gifts have come along with it…bottom line…thanks for reading ..:) Anna Clover

  • Dr Gary
    Dr GaryCA March 28, 2012 at 10:57 pm   

    Hi!

    Great to hear from you, my friend, as always.

    Wow, what a great post! It sounds like your family has really pitched in and bonded together to be your support team. That is excellent news. It's amazing how a health challenge can serve to bring people closer, that families can step up to the plat and really be there for each other.

    And yes, everybody is stronger as a result. And you are getting the love and support that you deserve!

    Thank you so much for sharing this. It hope it gets lots of eyes!

    And have a great rest of the week!

    Gary